Hope That Disappoints

The Wikipedia definition of  Hope is an optimistic attitude of mind based on an expectation of positive outcomes related to events and circumstances in one's life or the world at large. As a verb, its definitions include: "expect with confidence" and "to cherish a desire with anticipation"  There are many references to hope in the Bible. The Greek and Hebrew words translated to hope can also be translated in some instances as trust, assurance, confidence.

Have you ever prayed for something so hard and it didn't turn out the way you had hoped? Ever hoped and hoped with great anticipation but nothing? Ever had something happen in your life that left you in despair and feeling hopeless?

My girls arrived several weeks early through much prayer by friends, family and even strangers and care by the wonderful doctors. I should have been grateful after my initial visits with a different group of doctors had recommended I terminate Baby B, now known as Hannah. After a week of being in the hospital before delivery to develop their little lungs, I was tired of all the attention. Nurses in and out constantly, all hours, poking and prodding and I really missed my 4 year old boy at home. I had tremendous mommy guilt from leaving him. I was told when I left to go to the hospital, he pulled a chair up to look out the front door and said, "I'll just wait right here for mommy." I was ready to go home. Let's get these babies out. Hannah had much difficulty breathing and was placed on a ventilator for several days. I could not see them for a day and then wasn't able to hold them for a week. I was completely unprepared for the amount of tubes, lines and alarms. And I'm a nurse!  They brought in paper work to sign for a PICC line, a catheter to run in Hannah's vein from her leg to near her heart. A common procedure for preemies. But nurses know too much. I vividly remember leaving the hospital without my babies.  Sitting in the wheelchair while my husband got the car and as I waited, a smiling mom with her baby was wheeled beside of me. That is not fair, I thought. I was pretty mad at the person I had been praying to for so long. You were supposed to come through. I hoped for two healthy babies to be in my arms already. We left the hospital and I noticed the seasons had changed in the week and a half in the hospital. Spring had come and the Bradford pear trees lining the street were in full bloom. The sky was blue and the sun that seemed like forever since I had felt, was warm.  God's grace. He was still in control. I knew that somewhere deep but in that moment, I didn't want to talk to Him. A friend drove me to the hospital the next day to see my babies as I still couldn't drive and she said, "I've been praying for Sarah and Hannah." I said, "Good, because I can't."

I was disappointed in hope.

At 2 AM, I called my friend while sitting in her driveway. Overcome with emotion of a marriage I thought was over. She brought me in, got me some coffee a box of tissues and  listened to the whole ordeal and said,
"Let's pray."
Bless her heart.
I replied, "I don't want to pray."
"I'll pray." she said.
"No thanks." I replied, " I am done.
I am the children's church director. I teach Sunday School. I am supermom. I workout. Cook supper. Really? This is not how it's supposed to be. This is what happens. I. Am. Done. I am going back to doing whatever I want to do. And that includes a few margaritas and a couple shots with a friend. So goodbye, but can I come back and sleep on your couch?"

I was disappointed in hope.

Thank you Jesus for intercessors in the body of Christ who don't listen. My friends prayed and kept praying when I could not or would not.

"Where then is my hope? Who will see my hope?" Job 17:15

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through Him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us. Romans 5:1-5

Our hope can rest in Christ, in His glory and His love of me.  He promised that those with faith in Christ by grace will be glorified and perfected on the day He returns. Through the Holy Spirit working in my heart, I discovered that He was with me, that He saw me, that He loved me and I fell completely in love with Him.

Suffering, is difficult to explain and even harder to understand. Imagine as a child having severe trauma occur in your life and being taught, God allowed this to happen. How disappointed in hope and in God would that child be?  God "allowing" something terrible to happen does not mean it is His desire to have children or anyone to experience trauma. God is certainly soverign over all. He is not shocked by what takes place and it is not an interruption to His eternal plan. Everything that touches us comes through His hands. But God is not the author of confusion. (1Corinthians 14:33)  He is not the author of evil. God is light, and in Him there is no darkness at all. (1John 1:5)  It was not His desire for man to leave the Garden of Eden, but Adam and Eve made the choice to sin. God has no part with evil. He has no part with sin. God gives us all a choice to choose life  or to choose death and desires for us all to choose Him.  No wonder we have trouble hoping in God’s unfailing love when we are confused by man's choice of sin. How many times have we wondered why in the world Adam ate the fruit. Why did God "allow" that to happen? God doesn't want puppets that are made to love Him. We are given a choice. He loves us first. Sometimes sufferings happen because of our choices, sometimes they happen because of our sin or the sin of others, sometimes they just plain happen for no explainable reason at all. We live in a fallen world where horrendous things happen. No reason, it just happens and it's terrible and we can make no sense of it. None.

John Calvin  stated it this way,
"...the Lord had declared that "everything that He had made...was exceedingly good." (Gen 1:31). Whence then comes this wickedness to man, that he should fall away from his God? Lest we should think it comes from creation, God had put His stamp of approval on what had come forth from Himself. By his own evil intention, then, man corrupted the pure nature he had received from the Lord; and by his fall drew all his posterity with him into destruction. Accordingly, we should contemplate the evident cause of condemnation in the corrupt nature of humanity-rather than seek a hidden and utterly incomprehensible cause in God's predestination."

Sometimes there is just no reason other than the fall of humanity and sin entering the universe. But then we choose to hope in His glory because we have received God's love and His promise that we stand firm and safe through eternity. We have that peace. Pardoned offenders covered by the blood of Jesus we can rest in His sweet amazing grace. A life of security knowing, "when justice called for all our debts, a friend of sinners came instead." As believers who experience trials, we can grow so much spiritually, we can look for more spiritual benefit in trials to come. I have no desire for trials to arrive in my life or in your life. Maybe you are at the point that you can rejoice in trials. I have not yet arrived, pray for me. But one thing I do know is that  His grace can work in and with the trials and bring us to our feet to stand and truly all things can work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28)  That verse use to make me cringe because surely some things just don't work for good. There is just no way. But God can turn ashes into beauty. (Isaiah 61:3) He is still able and working in all things for His glory and good pleasure and our good. His purposes will be accomplished. (Isaiah 4:9-10)  Redemption may not fully take place until we see glory but glory we will see! Remind each other of the gift of grace. Remind each other of hope. Remind each other we don't have to understand it all and He can take our brokenness. He is with us. Our weakness thrown into His greatness. Through laughter, tears, joy and heartache, we are reminded as people of God, the promise of His love, mercy, everlasting kindness, His grace and His hope. Our standing before Christ is secure.

That is hope that will not disappoint.

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
Isaiah 40:31