My own child came home crying over being called a name. She is the sensitive and gentle hearted one, always trying to make sure everyone is alright. She notices my facial expressions and is the first to ask, "Mom, are you OK?" If dinner is before Dad gets home, she is the one that always makes sure there is plenty left for Dad. She is the peacemaker and the one who crosses clique boundaries to talk to the kid sitting by themselves. When I saw her tears, I really wanted to go give the kid a piece of my mind but I realized this would not be the last time she would be called a name. Name calling, shaming and accusations are still a thing in the adult world. So as with the 8 people that sat in front of me in a mess of tears, anger and hurt and now my daughter, let's talk about how we can deal with words in a healthy way.
I took her by the hand and said, "You are who Christ says you are. You are a daughter of the Most High God, forgiven, loved and accepted by the King. He knew you before you were born. You are fearfully and wonderfully made, created for His purposes." And then I gave my best words of wisdom from the great theologian Taylor Swift, "Haters gonna hate and fakers gonna fake," to which she finished, "But I'm gonna shake it off, shake it off." Her spirit was lifted quickly but it's not always so simple.
Words can tear down and destroy and also can encourage and build up. Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits. Proverbs 18:21 Our words have power and the Bible has much to say about how we use our words.
Name calling, shaming and accusations have been around forever. Joseph was accused of raping the wife of his master. David was falsely accused by King Saul of trying to dethrone him. Job's friends told him he was guilty of great sin. Now in a world of anonymous posting apps like Kik, Snapchat and Yik Yak, kids especially fall victim to unfiltered vicious words aimed at ripping a persons soul. Adults troll the internet making degrading and inflammatory comments sometimes in the name of defending Jesus. And good luck if you make a stupid decision. Remember that time you got drunk and passed out beside the toilet when you were 18? Yeah, I don't either but now if that happens, someone could and probably will snap a picture and thousands of people will know about it before you wake up. A picture now public forever.
There has been much needed conversation lately about this issue. Check out this message from Matt Chandler and check out #CTShame on twitter for some great conversation addressing Christian involvement in online shaming.
What to do? How to respond to the explosiveness and viciousness of online or face to face shaming? Talk to your children, your grandchildren, your friends children, your children's friends. Educate them on social media skills. Educate them on the risks of the so called anonymous apps. If you don't know these apps, have your children teach you. Be in the know about the social lives of your children, both online and offline. Back in the day, if we dealt with a bully or mean kid at school, we could safely escape home each day. These days, kids take the bully home with them via their phone. Unlimited access day and night. Taunting words that can be seen by hundreds in permanent black and white. Use the blocking feature. Check the phone. Consider gathering the phone when they come home. Teach kids to tell someone if they are being harassed online or face to face. Remind them always, their identity is rooted in Christ. Offer encouragement and empathy. Often, a word of encouragement at the right time can dispel the darkness of shame. Model online behavior and how to handle conflicts without resorting to name calling and online accusations. The Bible gives us a model to handle conflicts in Matthew 18.
The outside world is to know us by our love.
If your vocabulary is filled with accusations, name calling and shaming others, it may be time to check your heart. Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. Matthew 12:34 Toxic words will change into words that encourage and heal when our hearts are transformed. For harsh, unkind and hateful words to be replaced with ones that edify, our hearts must be overwhelmed by who Jesus is and who we are in Christ.
Jesus did some name calling Himself. He did, after all call the Pharisees "brood of vipers" "hypocrites" "blind guides" "fools" "serpents." Even His name calling was done in perfect righteousness. In calling out the religious leaders, His sharp words declared their character in hopes they would come face to face with the Truth. Jesus knows the character and heart of everyone. His name calling was done in love so that His kindness would bring them to repentance.
Sometimes calling out is necessary, even required of us as Christians. Let a righteous man strike me—it is a kindness; let him rebuke me—it is oil for my head; let my head not refuse it. Psalm 141:5 There are times when a rebuke or a corrective word is the most kind and loving thing to do. Faithful are the wounds of a friend. Proverbs 27:6 When we approach a brother or sister to call them out personally, whether online or in person it should be done with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. Without love, our words are a noisy gong or a clanging symbol. The intent of calling out a brother or sister in Christ should always be to bring them closer to Christ. Redemption is the goal.
I have been on both sides, both the one falsely spoken of and the one who falsely speaks. I have been betrayed and have betrayed. If you live long enough, you will too. There are times to go to friends or family and ask forgiveness, there are times to offer mercy and forgiveness.
If you are the subject of online or face to face shaming, name calling or accusations that is not done in loving humility, give it little consideration before it sinks into your soul. Nothing is wasted for a follower of Christ. Even if the words are false and unfair, there still may be lessons to learn. For a child or teenager, it could be learning skills to handle unkind words or to help them have compassion to not use degrading and negative words on others. For an adult, perhaps it is to abide securely in Christ, dependent on His great grace. If you are wounded by false words, let Christ cover you in His healing through your standing as a Child of the King. Redemption is always found in Him. If the words spoken to you are in loving humility, take them to the Cross. Seek Godly counsel and let Jesus reveal all truth and sift your heart. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. Hebrews 12:11
If you are shaming, name calling or accusing out of malice, contempt, insecurity or jealousy, if words are spoken or typed to wound someone, to make yourself feel better or to one up someone, stop, repent, and be restored. Meditate on the Truth of God's Word and let the love, mercy and grace of Jesus Christ reign in your heart.
There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Proverbs 12:18
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. Ephesians 4:29
Whoever restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding. Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent. Proverbs 17:27-28
Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer. Psalm 19:14
